I don't know about your uncle, but I'll try to get a message to your Aunt Nancy

I cannot believe I said that...

(no subject)

My god.  The dreams I have are so disturbing that I don't believe I should discuss them with anyone.  Ever.  I have no idea why, but last night I was sleeping so soundly that I believe I could have slept for several more hours if I had not been been awakened by my alarm at 6:00a.  I am still yawning and rubbing the sleep from my eyes today, and I've been awake for two hours now.  The deep, deep sleep seems to cause the disturbing imagery a little more than the lighter, less intense sleep does.  Couldn't tell you why I slept deeper last night.  I haven't had much exercise.  Perhaps its the fact that it was a weekend and I actually had fun that caused me to rest a little easier.

Friday night was pretty uneventful.  I drove home from work, spent time on the sofa, made dinner and lazed about.  Also spent a fair bit of time knitting on the infinity scarf that I started last week.  Saturday morning I did exactly what I wanted to do.  I was able to wake up and enjoy my cup of coffee at home.  I then drove (shakily) to Berkeley where I found rock star parking and had brunch at Cafe M.  Deliciously light and fluffy crab cake benedict.  Spent the next half hour or so at the LHBS store getting supplies for afternoon fun.  Quick stop at the Tokyo Fish Market and I was on my way home.  Spent a few hours on Saturday afternoon brewing the apricot wheat ale I've been dreaming of making for so long (fermentation took off in a little over an hour!).  I'm going to go two weeks in primary, one week secondary for this one, and then bottle for however long I can stand it.  After that I made chirashi donburi for dinner with the morning's spoils from the fish market.

Sunday morning I debated with myself about going to temple or not.  There was a small anime fair in Japantown that day, and would have probably enjoyed myself.  Instead, I decided to stay home and relax, since I'd had such an eventful day on Saturday.  I made a couple of pans of enchiladas for lunch, putting one away in the freezer for a rainy day.  I bottled the pumpkin ale by cleverly rolling each of the carbonation tabs in pumpkin pie spice before bottling.  I hope that did the trick for adding a bit more flavor.  The beer itself smelled rather bland and strange.  here's hoping it turned out alright.  We'll know in a few weeks.  I finished the infinity scarf and watched some TV.  Tried desperately to hold on to a positive attitude long enough to finish the day.

Tonight I'm going to attempt to swim.  It went so horribly last time that I left in a huff, several people stuffing into my lane without even asking.  I had half a mind to ask for my money back, but it doesn't matter.  I got in 20 laps.  Tonight, I'll wait and get there around 7:55p and see if it's any better then.  It has to be.  Summer swim hours end this week, so I've got to believe it will get better after this.  I might not get in my full swim, but I'll get in something.

(no subject)

It's Monday morning again.  I didn't have the ability to leave the apartment over the weekend, though not for lack of wanting.  On Friday night some very pressing medical issues with a dear friend caused me to have just about the poorest night of sleep I've had while I wasn't in college.  I was up every hour, sometimes every half hour, to check on their wellbeing before attempting to go back to sleep.  When I finally got up on Saturday morning, I was so sore that I had to take a very hot bath just to make it to a sitting position on the couch.  My dreams of hitting the homebrew store were dashed, and so were my hopes of going to the Tokyo fish market.  That's alright.  It was important.

Yesterday was even more strange:  I was in the middle of washing the dishes when the sink started to back up.  Like really back up.  Back up so badly that the only way to get water to go down was to run the disposal, and even then it would all vomit back up again.  We took the sink apart only find out that the blockage was more than ten feet behind the wall (after busting into the garbage disposal to rule it out).  After putting everything back together, the pipe shoved into another pipe with absolutely no fitting started leaking like a sieve when introduced to water.  Plumber was called and could not make it out until this morning.  As a result, we had delivery pizza for dinner.  Finished up The Last of Us for Josie, then she and I made pudding cookies reminiscent of our time at Berkeley, the infamous "You're a cold bitch!" cookies.  No brewing over the weekend for me.  Oh, well.  I can always go to the homebrew supply store next weekend, and the weather will be fine again.

First, I have to get through this week.  Ugh, this week is going to be terrible.  I have a string of 10-12 hour days ahead of me, and I'm praying that today won't be one of them.  I am back on the manufacturing floor today, the first in a long string of Monday mornings to be spent out here.  I got out of the habit during the audit, as I got out of the habit of doing quite a lot of things.  I will be going back to spending Monday mornings out here.  Tonight I will do my best to swim, as the summer hours at the rec. center are quickly coming to and end.

I have high hopes that I will feel fine this coming weekend.  Additionally, I'm not totally positive, but I think I would like to brave the crowds and terrible parking situation in Berkeley to eat at Cafe M.  I have no idea whether or not this is actually possible, and I will see how I feel come the weekend.  Oh, fabulous crab cake benedict.  You make me do dumb things.  Why are you so delicious?

This weekend, if I can make it to the homebrew supply, I am going to try my hand at my very first wheat beer, an apricot ale for Josie and the tail end of what is trying to be summer around here.  I have to clean out the stores in preparation of making a huge batch of pumpkin ale, and then the brickwarmer to be ready around Christmas.  I love brewing, and its one of the few hobbies that I actively engage in that brings me that much joy.  Cooking and sewing would probably be the other two.

(no subject)
I know I've said this before, but the world actually appears different when I'm too tired to deal with it.  This sort of strange grey scale slide show is reminiscent of incomprehensible film noir festival knock offs.  I beg for something to look forward to.  I plug along, punctuating my long, uncomfortable days with food, the occasional hug, the even more infrequent swim.  If I swam more I could at least have a few more minutes each week in that meditative, blank head space.  Most of this attitude is due to being overworked.  I know this.  I have far too much to consume my mind during the week, and even the weekend, and then I am left with a few minutes each day in which I am unequivocally unproductive and lazy in an attempt to recover.  In other circumstances I would welcome the distraction.  Today is Friday, and I am already starting to dread the coming weekend.  I no longer look forward to spending time at home, for some reasons which I will not get into here.  One main public reason is that I crawl out of my skin with the depression I battle on a daily basis, and knowing I cannot have simple relief takes a large toll on my mood.  I know that tomorrow I will wake up, make coffee and watch TV until swimming at 9:30.  It's the last Saturday swim of the summer and I want to take advantage of it.  I know I will have to go back home at some point.  I know I will have to clean up and try to have a livable space.  That idea makes me want to cry.  Sigh.  I have six and a half hours to get through before I can go home.  I'm hoping that they go quickly. 

(no subject)
If I weren't an eye witness to how terrible I feel sometimes, I would completely dismiss myself for even complaining so much about it.  I forced Josie to take me to the emergency room on Friday night because of the back pain.  I got an injection of some major pain killer/swelling reducer.  Couldn't walk properly on the way out.  She drove on the way home.  Got home, was happy to be on the couch.  Found out very soon after that I would be spending my entire weekend alone.  Apparently working as hard as I am means that I get more time alone.  Cry myself to sleep on Friday.

Couldn't swim Saturday because of the pain shot, but did drag myself out of bed and into the office.  First Saturday I've come in to the office in a while.  Spent about six hours in the office trying to tie up loose ends for the audit.  I think they're about to leave, but not sure.  Shane was here as well.  Just the two of us in the entire building until Ray J. showed up.  Used more foul language than I have at the office in a while.  Pain shot stopped working around Saturday afternoon and I resolved to just stay put after I got home to nurse the poor thing.  Did a bit of cleaning up.  Processed some bottles, cleaned up the kitchen (looked like a tornado blew through).  Simple stuff.  Watched some scary movies, cried from the pain and went to sleep.

Sunday morning woke up at O' Dark 30, put all the laundry (including the biohazard bathroom towels) into the car.  I was starting to not feel well.  By the time I got home I was really not feeling well.  Made it up and down the stairs a couple of times to get everything put away and then crashed on the couch for a while.  Depressing British TV dramas, nausea, headache.  Cleaned up the rest of the apartment with a sore, sick stomach.  I think the pain meds going away made me very sick.  I was basically coming down from all that stuff and my body couldn't handle it.  Was so uncomfortable that I was up until around midnight last night trying to feel well enough to sleep.  Finally fell asleep and got up six hours later to come in to the office yet again.

So here I am.  My stomach is killing me, more than it has in a while.  My back is now killing me again, I'm nauseous, sick, headachy, and all I want in the world is to feel better.  Hopefully will be able to leave work on time today, but I'm not counting on it.

(no subject)
Not much to tell about the last few days.  I was finally allowed to spend the weekend at home, and ended up shampooing the carpets.  To be honest, that's all I had the energy for after my week.  I went home at 6:30p (12 hour day) on Friday to an empty apartment.  Totally alone.  I watched some movies and didn't move very much.  Saturday morning I swam.  Yay.  Didn't do much else at all.  Work remains insane.  I haven't been able to finish anything I need to because of the immediate concerns of the audit.  This is all par for the course when the agency is around.  I just wasn't expecting to have to deal with it so damned soon after rejoining the company.  On top of all that, I'm going through some medical woes that make life even harder.  I am going to leave at 8 hours today, whether they like it or not.  I'll take my laptop home and work there if needed.  UGH.  I just want some time at home.  I don't care if I am alone.  I just want to curl up and die. 

(no subject)
As of 4pm on Friday I have been on a [very brief] break from work.  The last break I had was to travel to New York for Adam's graduation at the end of May, and that was more running around and not sleeping than it was restful.  I have needed a break for a while, but this trip was anything but replete with nice experiences.

I wrote out a long, drawn out post of the weekends terrible occurrences (come on, was a good weekend really even possible for me?) and then decided against it.  Too many bad things occurred.  Here are the highlights:

July 4th
[7:30a] Coffee alone.  This would be the last happy moment for the entire weekend.
[9:00a] Packed Josie's ice chest full of zombie honey ale.  Pack rest of junk.  And bathroom junk.  Bathroom junk is important.
[9:45a] Got out of Alameda.  Tricky.  70F.
[10:45a] Stopped in Vacaville.  Hit three letterbox locations, found one.  Other two covered in spiders.  Scratched legs to bejesus and back on primrose plants under a bridge.  90F.  Sweaty and sore.
[11:30a] Fenton's for breakfast ice cream.  95F.
[1:05p] Hilton Roseville.  Nice room.  Air conditioned.  Three Amigos on cable.  Shower.  Now just tired and sore.
[3:00p] Sean and Risa arrive.  Watch TV.
[4:05p] Go to Westfield mall under duress.  Buy delicious tea and candy for Josie.
[5:15p] Back to hotel.  Cal expo on fire on the TV.  Beg to stay in for the evening.  Not allowed to.
[6:30p] Candy's parents' house.  Drop off beer in the kitchen.  Yeah.  Grown woman living with her parents.  Not many people we know.  Try to have a good time anyway.  99F.  Tired.  Drive with Risa to get dog. Blow through stop sign at 30 mph.
[9:00p] Fireworks.  102F.  Steven says how much he misses his life back home.  Other women here are so gorgeous.  Big fight.
[10:45p] Drive back to hotel.  Lots of tears.  Steven goes up, I stay in the car.  Try to sleep in car, but can't.
[11:30p] Go up to hotel room, say I can file our divorce papers on Monday. Cry.  Sleep.

July 5th
[7:30a] Wake up.  Remind myself I didn't die last night, even though I have a huge hole in my heart.
[7:35a] Drag myself out of bed, put on swimsuit.  Drive to Mike Shellito pool behind Nugget.  $6 lap swim fee.
[7:55a] Swim mile in under 1 hour.  Very nice pool.  Enjoy myself despite trying not to cry into goggles.  Shower.  Great facility.  Wish I could swim there every day.
[8:45a] Drive back to hotel.  80F.  Cry on the way.  Pray to god they are still serving breakfast so that I can have a cup of coffee.  All I want in the world is a cup of coffee.
[9:05a] Get coffee.  Bright spot in the day. Go back up to hotel room.
[9:40a] Come back down to get another cup of coffee and a yogurt.  Book noon checkout time.
[10:00a] Hotel room.  Sean and Risa come by.  Relax.  Try not to cry in front of them.  Clean up and pack.
[11:30a] Check out.  95F.  Stop to get a bag of ice and gas.  Head to Early Toast Mimosa House for Risa's birthday meal.  Best crab cake benedict I've ever had in my entire life.  Last bright spot of the weekend.
[1:30p] Century Theater.  Edge of Tomorrow.  Did not like it, but at least theater is air conditioned.
[4:05p] 99F.  Car.  Barnes and Noble.  Look at books.  Starbucks inside.  Bathroom.  Change clothes.
[5:35p] Ella Sacramento.  Valet parking $5.  Good deal.  Nice bottle of wine. Two glasses.  Steven has bourbon flight.  Steak tartare.  Cheese board.  Beef tenderloin.  Pork tenderloin with black eyed peas.  Brownie.  Mint pavlova.
[7:30p] Start drive home. 90F.
[8:30p] Patton Oswalt Pandora station.  Cross Red Top.  70F.  Relief.  Steven snoring.
[9:00p] Arrive home.  69F.  Feed cat.  Apartment smells REALLY bad and can't figure out why.  Resolve to clean the entire thing tomorrow.  Couch.  Sleep.

July 6th
[7:30a] Wake up.  Still not dead.  Surprise.
[8:00a] Coffee, SVU, shower.  Feel a bit better.  Apartment still smells like death.  Start cleaning.
[9:30a] Laundry, dishes, vacuum, sink, sweep bathroom.  Wonder why it is I ever look forward to doing anything.  It never seems to work out.
[11:00a] Locate stink: bathroom floor mat.  Smells like a six weeks dead sewer rat.
[12:30p] Decide not to leave the apartment for the rest of the day.  Leftovers.  Make food at home.  Shrimp alfredo pasta.  Homemade clif bars for breakfast this week.  Used up the almond flour.  Good job.
[7:30p] Tired of cleaning and cooking.  Decide to shampoo carpets this coming weekend.  Forget to put vacuum away. Fatal Frame II.
[10:00p] Accidentally fall asleep on couch with hands above my head.
[10:30p] Arms asleep.  Get up and go to bed.

July 7th
[6:05a] Wake up.  Still not dead.  Surprised again.  Lay on back for a few minutes.
[6:09a] Get up, get dressed.
[6:25a] Leave for work.

This brings us to now.  I don't think I've ever felt less motivated to be productive in my life.  Agency is still here, and will be for at least another two weeks.  Possibly more.  Keep head down and try not to break anything. 

(no subject)
My days run together in this sort of endless light-dark-light cycle peppered with feeling hopeful then not hopeful then hopeful again. That comes from pushing the hopeful thoughts into my head the same way a very weary camper stuffs his sleeping bag into its sleeve after a 14 day wilderness trek with no food.  More tiring than I have experienced under normal circumstances.  I can sustain the positive thoughts as long as I'm actively trying to.  Problems arise when I have to focus on other things, even for a short while.  The shift is jarring and invokes tendencies toward falling apart and tears and frustration.

Old ways and old life look better after a few years, all the old sting replaced by the pain of fresher problems.  Old days when possibilities were endless and all joy and promise were deserved rather than chased after in early morning affirmations just to make it to 8am.  Old hope seems more real and beautiful than anything experienced in recent memory.  Old mornings I would hang my feet out of my third story window, looking up at the sky as the sun rose, sipping my coffee, wondering what adventures I would find my way into and out of by the end of the day.  Is that even possible now?  Was that experience ever really there to be felt? It must have been if I'm here now.  Memories tend to change over time, even though we think they remain unchanged.  Feelings constantly change and so do responsibilities.  I give myself over to responsibility for another day, and think fondly about times to come in order to get through it.  Efforts to live in the moment should be made, and I have no idea why I'm having such a hard time making them. 

(no subject)
One day down, three to go.  At the end of today, this work week will be half over.  I'm writing this entry with only one eye open.  Not a trick or reference to being tired.  I scratched the holy hell out of my eyeball in the middle of the night and woke up with a flap of eyeball skin hanging off of my eye.  I am at work because there is a ton of work to get done, but I am trying to keep the offending eye closed.  Josie drove in this morning, which made that possible.  I don't think I could have driven myself.  I keep putting the eye drops in it and its slowly starting to feel better.  If I ever had a reason to stay home, it would have been this.

Last night wasn't very active, though I did get a lot done.  I did some dishes and baked some almond macarons.  They came out beautifully. I wish I could have done more, but by the time I was done baking, swim was already over.  I would have gone tonight except that my eyeball wouldn't be able to stand being in the water like this.  God damn it all.

Plans for going up for an actual holiday this weekend are a little more solid in my mind now.  I booked a hotel room with some rewards points and will probably just be there a day, but its going to feel so good to get out of town.  I'll be stopping at my favorite ice cream shop on the way up, going to a BBQ with a few friends, hopefully seeing some fireworks and going to bed somewhat early.  On Saturday, I'll be waking up early and going to swim at a wonderful pool, taking Risa to breakfast for her birthday and then having dinner at my favorite restaurant with my favorite bottle of wine that I've been saving before coming home Saturday night.  Going to be a nice, restful holiday full of things I love to do.  I need this more than anything right now.  To be honest, I haven't been looking forward to much lately.  It doesn't do to be looking forward to a weekend and then have them taken away from you by work.  Just the thought of staying away from home and life for a day and a night is so relieving. 

(no subject)
Another stupid weekend behind me.  I really don't know why I expect so much of myself right now.  On Saturday the one nice thing I was able to do for myself was run to the hair cutting place at 9am to get a hair trim...

not that I'm feeling all that full of self esteem at the moment.

Then it was off to Oakland to drop off some baggage, then down to the office.  I spent about three hours here, and left as soon as I could.  When I left, I picked up the ingredients for oatmeal stout, and then went home to work some more.  When I got there I opened up my laptop, slumped over on the couch and stayed there for the rest of the day.  I haven't been this worn out since my AL days, and I really, really hate it.  I wish I had the energy I used to have, or at least the motivation that working for someone like Alex afforded me (the ever-present, ever-expectant, ever-motivating manager).  All I've got to go on right now is the vague, misty idea that something will happen to me if I don't perform.  When I perform, I always perform well.  That's something I've got going, but when I get run down like this it gets harder and harder to pull it off.

Anyway, I woke up yesterday (my only day off this week) and went to the grocery store damned early.  Got back, cleaned up the kitchen, made oatmeal stout (we'll see how that turns out), and sat there literally all day.  I couldn't bring myself to do anything else but clean up, make some food and sit there.  I was just too worn out from the week.

Let's see... positives.  I am still alive.  Hah.  I might be able to swim tonight.  I managed to get a few hours of sleep (which is contributing to me feeling crazy).  I still have my health.  Hah!  I will have a three day weekend this week.

Oh, right.  Three day weekend.  I'll be hitting the road and going up north for the holiday.  At least I think I will be.  I might leave Friday morning before the island gets too crazy, make a stop in Vacaville at my favorite ice cream shop, and head on up to get a hotel room.  I found a swim gym for Saturday morning up there, so that's perfect.  I guess we'll see how it goes.  I need a vacation right now more than anything.  I just hope that I can stay sane long enough to get there.

(no subject)
My hopes for swimming Thursday night were dashed when I left work after only 8 hours because of my sore throat.  I forced Josie to drive home, got to the couch, put on my pajamas and didn't move again until it was time to go to bed.  I was in full recovery mode.  I managed to not feel any worse when I woke up today, so that's a plus, but I don't really feel any better yet.  I don't really have it in me to work today, but I've still got the drive to get through the day.  I don't want to let my bosses down in crunch time, so I'm doing what I can.

Next weekend is 4th of July.  I don't really have any solid plans yet, but I might go up north just to hang out and watch fireworks.  I haven't really spent much time up there in a while, and it could be nice.  I am hoping to stay cool somehow, but we'll see how that goes. 


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