I don't know about your uncle, but I'll try to get a message to your Aunt Nancy

I cannot believe I said that...

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The concept of 'recovery' is a simple one, however it does not hold much significance without context.  I feel that I'm always recovering from something... a hard day, a big meal, treating myself terribly, an accident, driving erratically, an illness.  I can never just live.  Ironically, I continue to be alive.  I have this strange, aloof, unobservant way of going through my life.  I don't know why this is.  I have a tendency to check out and not notice what's going on, specifically with my life.  This has been a remarkably consistent aspect of my attitude recently.  This could be related to my fall back into depression over the past several weeks and months.  I do not have a grip on this.  It seems the simplest of activities, to be aware enough of one's own life and existence enough that terrible things are not allowed to happen, and when they do, the course of action is to treat one's self better, not worse.  It is the opposite with me, and far more reactionary.  Things happen, I don't have a handle on them, and I become more introverted and depressed.  I'm not in my head when I eat.  I sort of wake up after I'm too full and starting to hurt.  Then I'm painfully aware of what I've done and punish  myself.  It is the same with being afraid to go out anywhere.  I want to go out and have good times, but I am so unwilling to put myself out in the slightest, to even leave the house.  I am attempting to change this about myself, but it is a slow, slow process, and awareness does not come without practice.

With respect to my work situation, I have decided in recent weeks that fretting over what develops at work is beyond my control, more specifically my promotion.  I lost Shane as a supervisor on Friday to the document control group, and I decided that if the supervisor position goes up on the website that I will apply.  However, beyond that I cannot control their decision.  I cannot control whether or not they even put it up there.  All I can do is have my resume ready and my game face on.  I know that I will not lose my current position, so really have nothing to lose by trying.  I know I am a tremendous engineer.  I am crushing it in my current job, and I love what I'm doing.  I just can't get too far ahead of myself with this supervisor thing, or I will end up in the same self depricating situation as described above.  Being in my head more might not be a terrible thing...


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